Really? We are born to love?
 
Sometimes it seems that we are born to be unloving.
I was reflecting on this after listening to a speaker claim that indeed our essence is to be loving and that for various reasons we stray from that essential, core space in our daily lives. This statement, while appealing, doesn’t seem to exactly fit with my experience.
 
I am concerned that such a belief in our loving nature might not resonate in people’s experience and therefore be dismissed.
 
If not essentially loving, then what?
 
It seems more true to me that we were born as  social animals and that social connectedness is our essential being. We were born into social relationships. We could not have survived without the care, nurturing and support from other humans. Indeed, one of the most painful experiences a human can experience is being excluded or ostracized from his/her family, clan, group, or society.
 
As well, it does seem understood that happiness, good health and acceptable social behaviour is predicated upon the degree, extent, and quality of our social relationships.
 
It may be that the better the quality of our social relationships and the better we are at developing, tending to, and nurturing these relationships, the more likely we are to experience this feeling we call love.
 
In other words, love is not so much our essence but is rather a consequence of our essential being, which is, connected social relationships.

Does talking about shame make it bigger?

​​Good question.
 
This question comes up all the time in individual and group therapy sessions. There is a great worry that sharing shame  and our feelings about our shame will deepen the feelings and perhaps “send us over the edge.” Pretty frightening!
However, from my personal and professional experience I know that when I share a worry, concern, embarrassment, shame, or guilt with someone who has earned the right to my confidence, that feeling or belief seems more acceptable, human and normal. It seems smaller, more manageable and more modifiable.
 
I know that keeping a secret about a thought, feeling or deed that I believe to be shameful only serves to amplify the shame and the sense that there is something wrong about me. I know that sharing that shame with someone who deserves to hear about it, makes it “smaller”.
 
I emphasize, “sharing with someone who deserves your confidence”. This is someone who loves you, supports you, shares himself/herself with you, and will keep confidences, confidential.
 
For more about shame and sharing with a person who deserves your confidence I recommend that you check out Brene Brown’s writings and Youtube talks. www.brenebrown.com

An open letter to all men in personal growth groups from a fellow traveller and men‘s group facilitator.

You are to be congratulated for having the courage and determination to share your time and part of your life experience in a men’s group.

We all learn something about ourselves from every man whose life journey we get to be a meaningful and intimate part of and that learning is enhanced by being a part of a group who share the truth about their lives.

Your willingness to be more open about your particular life experience, especially the painful and uncomfortable bits helps others to feel more okay about themselves as men who are seeking less loneliness, more acceptance of themselves and more trust, warmth and closeness with others.

I wish for you to continue to have the courage, stamina and determination to keep on with the important personal growth journey you are on.

I hope you know that you are already okay as a man just as you are and that this personal work you are doing in a group is a matter of confirmation, adjusting and fine-tuning rather than one of re-creation.

You are unique in that you are one of few men who have decided to examine his way of “being in the world” and who is willing to join with other men for support and encouragement in making some changes in attitude or behaviour.  In taking responsibility for creating a richer life for yourself, you give yourself a life not so hobbled by past shame, fear, and blame and a more fulfilling and less anxious life in your important relationships.

Cheers,

A fellow traveller

The pursuit of happiness has been one of my interests, probably for both personal and professional reasons. Personally, this subject and how the accomplishment of happiness actually works fascinate me. Professionally, many of my clients state that as a goal of therapy, they “just want to be happy.”

Philosophers have pursued this subject for many years. Professor Mark Kingwell a philosopher at the University of Toronto writes one of my favourite, entertaining and thorough overviews of the subject of happiness.  I’m not sure he offers a definitive answer but he does offer some leads.
 
He suggests, “Happiness happens…on the field of human community and in the performance of actions. It is not rest and peace so much as it is the disposition to act…[and ask] am I living a life that I can judge worth living.” (1)

In working with men, especially with men in groups and group therapy, an opportunity is presented to build a human community of safety and support by sharing their intimate thoughts, experiences and feelings with other men.

My introspective and interpersonal experience with happiness leads me to conclude that happiness is found in the interplay between individual mindsets, beliefs and attitudes, and the kind of interaction with others that is characterized by being present, helpful, concerned and engaged.

Happy people seem to think that life is okay, that they themselves are okay and that their purpose on this planet is not just to take care of their own needs, but also to reach out to and engage with others in a selfless fashion.

Most of us seem to want to be accepted, respected, listened to, understood and seen for who we really are. We don’t want to live in fear, shame or guilt, or to be inappropriately angry. Perhaps, somewhere in this mix lay the seeds of happiness.

(1) p. 285, IN PURSUIT OF HAPPINESS, Mark Kingwell

“When we feel lonely, we are painfully aware that our social needs are not being met; at the same time, we have a greater tendency to see ourselves as having little control over our ability to fulfill those needs.” Loneliness: Human Nature and the Need for Human Connection, John T. Cacioppo & William Patrick, p. 179

 In my work with men, I have found that if I should ask “Are you lonely?” I often get an affirmative reply and frequently that response is tearful. At first this reaction surprised me; not so much the loneliness itself, but rather the depth and pain that the men were experiencing.

When  I  ask the men with whom I am working, if they have a  connection with someone they would consider a confidant, the answer is often “no.” They may have had close friends when they were younger, but significant life changes such as work, marriage, and children seem to make it difficult to expend the time and energy required to establish and maintain close relationships outside the home and work.

 Sometimes the men will respond that their wives or partners are their sole source of emotional support. This situation puts a lot of weight and responsibility on the  “marital” partner - sometimes to the detriment of the relationship.

 It is common to hear men say that when they are feeling discouraged, down, worried, lonely, or otherwise out-of-sorts, they reach out to no one - even when they have a sense that asking for a caring ear would be helpful.

 In my work with men over the years, it has been my experience that when we do share our struggles, worries, and feelings - especially with other men - we feel accepted and less alone.  We often discover that other men experience many of the same feelings, struggles, and worries.  In this sharing and acceptance  we are strengthened to overcome and carry on with the many challenges of life.

 

Choosing someone to work along with you as you explore your life and begin to look at and practice new ways of thinking, feeling, and behaving can be a difficult process. Sometimes we rely upon friends or colleagues who have had previous experience with a counsellor / therapist, but the “right” counsellor for them is not necessarily the “right” counsellor for you.  

Even counsellors / therapists listed in Psychology Today may not be the right fit for you. No doubt you will want to find someone who is not only qualified to practice, but who is also expert enough in his/her work to be able to help you move forward noticeably in your quest for a more satisfying life.

A counsellor / therapist who is backed up by membership in a College of Practice is a useful starting point, but not sufficient in itself. It is also not necessarily enough to find someone with many years experience as a counsellor. Indeed some research indicates that therapists, unlike test pilots or accountants, show no demonstrated expertise with increased experience. 

Nevertheless there is extensive evidence that psychotherapy is effective. To get the most out of your counselling experience, no matter the approach, it is imperative that you feel comfortable with your counsellor / therapist, and that you feel trusting of and understood by him/her. 

To establish whether or not a counsellor / therapist is a good fit for you, it is important to interview him/her. A counsellor should always welcome this opportunity. Ask as many questions as you require to ascertain his/her expertise, and preferred methods/approaches to counselling. (S)he should be comfortable with this process. Ask how (s)he knows that (s)he gets good results and how soon you should expect to experience some change. Assess how individualized his/her approach is to your particular situation and life experience and that (s)he is aware of  and can work with your cultural, ethnic and language background. 

It matters that you be able to sense that you are being heard and well listened to, and that you can safely and comfortably communicate with your therapist / counsellor. You should feel comfortable enough to correct any misperceptions your therapist may have about you and the story you are telling about yourself. 

Remember, it is your life, your time and your money. You are paying for this service and deserve that it be professional, competent and effective.  

Jack Watkins, B.A., M.S.W.
October 20, 2014